TOP5 PETS

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Chris White www.topfive.com


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          If you're happy and you know it wag your tail.


                          March 19, 2001


      The Top 9 Signs Your Pet Has Been Using Your Computer


 9> Well, when YOU mark a website, your keyboard doesn't end 
    up all sticky and smelling of ammonia.
    
 8> All entries on your Palm Pilot to-do list are "eat", 
    "sleep" and "lick self."
    
 7> Stacks of paper spewing out of your printer read the same
    thing over and over: "All scraps and no walks makes Rover
    a dull dog."
    
 6> E-mailed bomb threats to the Spay/Neuter Clinic have been 
    traced to your account.
    
 5> You wouldn't think it would be possible to have nude jpegs
    of the pets.com sock puppet, but there they are.
    
 4> The screen is coated with cat hair because Mister 
    No-Opposable-Thumbs can't get the cap off the anti-static
    spray.
    
 3> Dozens of new bookmarks to skinhead organizations, and your
    hairless cat's been acting a bit surly of late.
    
 2> Your hamsters have given up their exercise wheel in favor of
    line dancing.


and the Number 1 Sign Your Pet Has Been Using Your Computer...


 1> Neighbors' websites have been dug up and pooped on.



             [   Copyright 2001 by Chris White    ]
             [       http://www.topfive.com       ]



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Selected from 51 submissions from 19 contributors.
Today's Top 5 Pets List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL      --  1 (Best In Show!  2nd #1)
Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL      --  2, 4 
Chris White, Los Angeles, CA   --  3
Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY     --  5
Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA --  6
Doug Finney, Houston, TX       --  7
Adam Chun, Houston, TX         --  8
Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR        --  9, Honorable Mention list name
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX         --  9
Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA --  9, Banner Tag
Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL      --  Topic, Runner Up list name
Sandra Hull, Arlington VA      -- List Vet

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           Signs Your Pet Has Been Using Your Computer
                RUNNERS UP list  --  "Cyberspays"
------------------------------------------------------------------

"You've got fleas!"
          (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Every time your Irish Setter goes into heat, you get e-mails from
guys looking for "Siobhan, the colleen with the silky red hair 
and soulful brown eyes."
          (Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)
          
Somebody deleted all your bookmarks to bestiality sites.
          (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, MD)
          
There are nose and tongue prints all over the monitor, and you're 
pretty sure you haven't been on the Alyssa Milano fan site 
recently.
          (Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)

There's a FedEx crate full of catnip, the dog's joined a militia
group, and the cat is snickering in the corner.
          (Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)

There's green feces all over the keyboard -- and your 1-year old
is staying at her grandmother's this week
          (Chris White, Los Angeles, CA)

While you were at work, someone named ROV racked up a high score
on "Squirrel Catcher."
          (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)
          
You don't have to be Matlock to figure out that the monitor-
shaped lump in your boa's midsection is a significant clue.
          (Chris White, Los Angeles, CA)
          
You find your web browser left at www.sequoia.org and there are
puddles of dog urine around the monitor.
          (Adam Chun, Houston, TX)

Your keyboard set up is now for non-opposable thumb users only.
          (Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ)
          
Your monkey's on "computer restriction" but your wallpaper now 
displays the Primate-of-the-Month centerfold.
          (Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)

          
Runner Up list name
          (Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)

------------------------------------------------------------------
           Signs Your Pet Has Been Using Your Computer
            HONORABLE MENTION list  --  "Road Apples"
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An inflatable sheep just arrived in the mail... um, never mind...
I ordered that.
          (Dave Ferry, Leesburg, VA)
          
Coffee cup left on your computer desk reads: Humans are pets, too.
          (Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
          
Oh, it's obvious Fluffy's been using it -- as a litter box.
          (Doug Finney, Houston, TX)
          
On the mouse pad: nothing but a little pile of guts.
          (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
          
Telltale Friskies crumbs sneezed onto monitor.
          (Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
          (Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, NY)
          
The only remaining bookmark is Buttsniffing.com.
          (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
          
There are nose prints on the screen and you don't remember 
bookmarking furrybutts.com.
          (Doug Finney, Houston, TX)
          
You find nose and paw prints all over your Windows.
          (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia, MD)
          
Your MP3 files are nothing but Three Dog Night, Cat Stevens, 
Phish and Snoop Doggy Dogg.
          (Dave Ferry, Leesburg, VA)
          
You're waist-deep in deliveries from squirrel_entrails.com.
          (Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)


Honorable Mention list name
          (Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR)


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[      Copyright 2001 by Chris White   All rights reserved.      ]
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[          in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com"         ]
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