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Chris White

Top 50 Pet Sites
                   Who're you callin' FLUFFY?!?

                         August 27, 2001

        The Top 10 Things Cats Do When No One is Watching

10> Report back to the Home Planet that the invasion plans are 
    proceeding as scheduled and that operation BAD DOG should 
    commence shortly.
 9> Pick their noses, just like everyone else.
 8> Carefully monitor all traffic patterns between bedroom and 
    bathroom.  Determine strategically perfect location for 
    hairball.  Wait until 3am.
 7> Work on their translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls.
 6> Practice leaping from the ottoman to the bookshelf so it 
    looks graceful and natural when they do it for an "audience."
 5> Clean all of their non-embarrassing body parts.
 4> Check that the pin-hole in the water bed is still oozing 
 3> Quickly rub the top of the paw in some dirt, so they have an 
    excuse to spend another half-hour licking it clean.
 2> Transfer dog droppings from the yard to the living room 

    and the Number 1 Thing Cats Do When No One is Watching...

 1> Strut and pose in front of a full-length mirror wearing a 
    dog collar and leash.

              [   Copyright 2001 by Chris White    ]
              [       ]

Selected from 64 submissions from 24 contributors.
Today's Top 5 Pets List authors are:
Adam Chunn, Houston, TX           -- 1, 5 (Attaboy! 2nd #1)
Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, MD    -- 2
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA      -- 3
Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia -- 4
Dawson E. Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA   -- 6, 7, 10 (Purr-fecta!)
Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY        -- 6
Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA    -- 8
Cheri Hoyt, Binghamton, New York  -- 8
Kevin Paul Wickart, Normal, IL    -- 9, 10
James Knowles, Bellingham, WA     -- 10, Topic
Laurie Northrup, Stray            -- 10
Doug Finney, Houston, TX          -- 10
Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL         -- Runner Up list name
Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA -- Banner Tag
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA        -- List Vet

              Things Cats Do When No One is Watching
               RUNNERS UP list  --  Hairball Rodeo
Beg the dog to spank them then make them drink out of the toilet 
like the bad bad kitty that they really are.
          (Patrick O'Driscoll, St Louis, MO)
Call the Smithsonian again about having that offensive "Dog Star"
          (Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)
Carry on a torrid affair with the dog.
          (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Clean up around the house, feed and shelter strays and generally 
give a damn.
          (Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL)
          (Kate Melnyk, Attleboro, MA)
          (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)
Conduct experiments in which a German physicist is placed in a box
and exposed to a precisely measured dose of radiation that has a 
50% probability of being lethal, then repeat the experiment three
or four more times, just to be sure.
          (Susanne Turner, Stray)
Continue to ignore you.
          (Susanne Turner, Stray)
Crawl up between the dark suits in the closet and dance like 
they've never danced before.
          (Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI)
Derisive but dead-on imitations of their owners cooing "Here, 
kitty kitty kitty."
          (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Eat all the food they turned their noses up at when you were 
          (Susanne Turner, Stray)
Lie around in boxer shorts and a dirty T-shirt, drinking cheap 
canned beer and watching daytime TV.
          (James Knowles, Bellingham, WA)
Practice their icy cold and distant stares in the mirror to 
ensure they are sufficiently cold and distant
          (Brian E. Foster, Fairfax, VA)
          (James Knowles, Bellingham, WA)
Pull single socks out of the dryer and bury them in the 
litter box.
          (Adam Chunn, Houston, TX)
Same as when someone's watching: whatever they damn well please.
          (Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)
Sleep, duh!
          (Kate Melnyk, Attleboro, MA)
Smoke a few bowls of 'nip, raid the trash behind the 7-Eleven 
for munchies.
          (Kevin Paul Wickart, Normal, IL)
          (Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)
Take long, leisurely bubble baths. Tongue-cleaning, my ass.
          (Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ)
          (Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI)
Take off their coats and run them through the washer and dryer.
          (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Watch "Old Yeller" and cry at the ending.
          (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)
Watch "Old Yeller" and laaaaaugh.
          (Dave Ferry, Leesburg, VA)

Runner Up list name
          (Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)

[      Copyright 2001 by Chris White   All rights reserved.      ]
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